6S - Ignorance

Maybe it's because of the toddler that sat in the corner of the daycare centre as the sun went down, tears running freely down her face. Maybe it's because of the endless of times the little girl sat by the kitchen window waiting, not even caring about the tear stains on her pink dress. Maybe it's because of all the afternoons the girl sat alone on the fence in the parking lot by the end of the school day, trying her best to hide the tears that were slowly forcing their way down her face. Maybe it's because of the high school girl that searched the audience with her eyes in vain, swallowing her tears as she bowed to the applause. Maybe it's because of the college girl that didn't get a wedding invitation, tears ones more running freely down her face. When you ask me why I don't return your calls today, I wonder if you even remember that girl.

I lied

I said I didn't know. 

I had never seen or heard or noticed. You never told me. 

It was all lies and they knew it was.

They made me lie to the school consular, the psychiatrist and the police.

No matter what they said, I held my ground. 

I said I didn't know. 

You never asked me to lie, but I knew that's what you wanted.

No one except me understood the letter that you left. 

I knew that was the point. 

Your mother begged me to tell her what it meant.

I said I didn't know.

At the funeral your brother cried on my shoulder.

He knew, they all knew that I sat on all the answers.

He asked me if he had done something wrong.

I knew you would have wanted me to lie, so I did.

I said I didn't know.

6S - In the Blink of an Eye

I gasped for air as I slowly slid down the wall, letting the phone crash to the floor. For the first time in my life my mind was completely blank. Then without warning it all came back at once; memories, thoughts and emotions. I could feel them all physically flooding back into my head, bringing a shooting headache with them. But it was all interrupted by the distant voice that had brought me the horrible news. A voice belonging to a person whose shoulder I would cry on, who would hold my hand as I said goodbye to you, a person I had still to meet.

The Pain of Silence

I remember running. I was running as fast as I physically could, even though I already knew from the start that it wasn't fast enough. But I just didn’t care. I remember cursing at myself for not being able to catch up with this little 3 feet tall creature. I yelled at her, I screamed her name in pure anger and to my surprise the toddler froze in her step. That's the last thing I remember before it all went black.

It felt like I had been hit by a car. That I had literally been flung over the hood, vaulted through the air, my body twisting and turning in every way possible. Opening my eyes, taking in that I was actually on the ground in the middle of the road, I realized that maybe that was exactly what I had done.

Turning over, my eyes immediately searched for the little girl in her white jacket. When I found her, the whole universe stopped. I just knew that that was it. I couldn’t even make myself turn her over. I already knew that I hadn’t ran fast enough. I’d known that before I woke up face down in the asphalt.

Time stood still. I had so many thoughts running through my head that I could barely make them out.

I remembered Teddy. He would probably end up sitting on the sofa for a few years and then end up in a memorial box in the attic. Maybe someone would hug him once in a while during his years on the sofa, then probably frenetically, while crying and cursing at God. He’d never experience those loving hugs again. Hugs from a child who had picked him over all the other toys when they went on vacation, who believed that he would protect her from all the monsters under her bed and who would always offer him the last piece of candy even though he would never take it.

I had told her that he didn’t want to go outside today because of the rain. Out of all the days, today was the day that Teddy had wanted to be there with the person who loved him the most. Instead, the favourite stuffed bear was sitting all alone on the hallway furniture, now waiting for someone who was never going to come.

I had managed to crawl a few feet on my hands and knees, now hovering over the small body. Turning her over, I still hadn’t noticed all the people that had gathered around us in the street.

The universe started turning again, but it was too fast. I sat there with this lifeless little body in my arms, a car’s high beam blinding me. There was blood everywhere. I’d never had a problem with seeing blood before but now it felt like I was about to throw up or faint, but maybe it was from shock or the fact that I had hit my head.

The most horrible silence hung in the air. No one at the scene had dared to utter a single word. I realized I would have to attend a third child funeral in the short span of five years. I hated those tiny little coffins. And as I was thinking how I liked the white coffins the best, the most beautiful sound in the world was heard.

She started crying.

A Spectrum of Light

I sometimes regret having studied as much science as I have. It is said that the possession of knowledge does not kill the sense of wonder and mystery. Of course there is more mystery out there, but I still believe that my new found knowledge has killed something that I can never bring back. A naivety that only can be found in oblivious children.

I miss being that oblivious child.

The little girl who placed a plate of cookies on the table before going to bed on Christmas Eve. The little girl who couldn't wait to lose another tooth to get to put it under her pillow. The little girl who never liked the rain because it made her sad that the angels were crying. The little girl who thought that rainbows were proof that magic did exist.

Then it was all shredded to pieces. One belief after another. The spectrum of light turned from pure magic into a mocking reminder of all the things I no longer treasured.